A New Day Dawns

It's November. It's raining. It's also after 11pm, which really means I should be sleeping or at least attempting to do so. Yet, here I am. My mind is buzzing with new music (thanks, Spotify...), I have been well behaved when it comes down to what I've eaten today, and I'm feeling a lot more focussed on my health. I managed to get my Guided Mind meditations back so I will be listening to them religiously for a while - well at least every 2nd day when I'm not gigging. *note to self: look up a meditation to calm the mind, if it exists*

Lately, I've been struggling with my health and have had blood taken on numerous occasions, which have all said different things. But the lastest one says my blood is fine and there's nothing wrong with me. But the optician would beg to differ. Typical. I could really do with a set of glasses to use for reading and typing because the ones I have at the moment are beyond hopeless and I would love to NOT get eye strain any more. It's painful and unneccessary. I do plan to go back after Christmas (yes, I used the C-word. Sue me.) and see what can be done for my sight so that I'm not having problems. I really want to be able to type more regularly, and get back into reading to help me unwind.

Now, before I get distracted again... This is what I was going to write about: weight loss. I know, usual rubbish from me, blah blah. But I'm focussed. I've dodged a bullet with my blood sugar THIS TIME. What happens if this all starts up again and it really is high, even after a fasting blood test? What if I don't change what I'm eating and doing, and things progress? I don't want to have the same fate as my Mum, who is undoubtedly sitting up there on Gods cloud, sharing a fine piece that she baked and watching me making an absolute mess of my diet. So, bugger it. I'm going to change. Even if it means listening to a meditation every day for the next decade. I WILL DO THIS.

Of course, I realise it's not entirely down to the meditations. They just give me the tools I need to be able to achieve my goals and steer clear of all the chocolate, and biscuits, and donuts, and...gads. Thanks to last nights session, if I think of all these delicacies and feel like I'd really like one, all I need to do is press my thumb and forefinger together and I immediately think it's going to taste like marzipan (my food enemy). Weird but it has certainly made me think twice so far today. But it's early in the game. Let's see how tomorrow unfolds.

Bonsoir.

Disheartened

This week, I've been feeling a bit disheartened with my Slimming World journey. After gaining a pound then maintaining the next week after feeling like I've been doing well, it's hard to remain positive. So this week I've been eating my size of portions, enjoying some syns, having my measured healthy extras and lots of free food. I've also been using recipes from the book so I know that the portions are alright and I'm including plenty of speed foods. I've made an effort to move about a bit more this week - including getting up early this morning for a shwoer and get dressed properly. Not just in pyjamas.

I know. Scary thought.

I've just had an apple and made myself a cup of coffee then I'm going to go and do a work out that I printed yesterday. I'm finally making some headway with my weight loss binder which I will be starting filling out tomorrow. It's a new Slimming World week, after all.

I also want to start working towards my Body Magic Awards. I've made a chart for my binder so I can add activities in to my daily schedule and encourage myself to get moving.

I'll update this in a few days with how I get on at weigh-in tonight and some goals for the next week. Fingers crossed I get a loss. Even though this is YET ANOTHER * week... I've only had one off since I started my journey. Heaven help me...

The Ups and Downs of Slimming

This week's result at SW leaves much to be desired. I managed to put on 1lb and, though it could have been worse, it's still disappointing. However, these hormones aren't settling as soon as I'd have liked and they are messing with my journey. Medication is just another bump on the road, or a bit like a car with an elephant in the back. I'll get there, it'll just take me a little longer than planned.

Luckily, I'm not losing weight for anything in particular except my health and appearance. I feel a bit of a fat frump these days and now is the time to change that. Before my weigh in, I decided to sign up for a 10 week countdown which gives me 2 additional weeks free. Thank goodness I did. It has given me the motivation I needed to keep going even though my journey isn't going as expected. It would be all too easy to get disheartened by a gain and a slow initial loss but buying a block means I HAVE to go as it's already paid for. Boost. So I'm hoping it helps me maintain the determination I had when I started a few weeks ago.

Today, I have been fairly good. My daily breakfast or 2 small wholemeal toasts, 3 scrambled eggs (with no milk or butter) and half a tin of spaghetti hoops, followed by a cop of coffee means I've used one of my Healthy Extras and made a start on the dairy extra. I have had 1 cereal bar (3 syns), a light Baby Bell (2 syns) and a syn-free mug shot. More coffees and an Options hot chocolate (2 syns). So far, that's all the syns I've had and I'm allowed 15-20 daily. I also shared an apple with the little hooligan.

My aims for this week are to increase my water intake, do some body magic and limit my daily syns to make sure I get a decent loss this week. I'm bloody determined.

Body Magic... Turns you into a Wizard, right?

Today was the day I attempted my first workout in nearly a year. My muscles are weak and feel a little shaky but I'm feeling good. I have realised how out-of-shape I have become and I'm now determined to change that too.

I've also been pondering over alternative reasons to why I'm not losing weight as quickly as I'd like. One major factor is possibly not eating quite so much fruit right now. Another could be portion size. I know the plan says to "Fill your plate with free foods" but I do honestly believe there may be a limit to that. So, for this week, I've meal prepped and got all my lunches sorted, topped up on Muller Light yoghurts, and am drinking fruit tea inbetween mugs of coffee and builders tea. It may help, what with the antioxidants, etc.

For the first time this week, I'm also feeling more energetic. I've been struggling with sleep again and it's having a bad effect on my energy levels. However, I had a hunt in the cupboards last night and found a packet of teabags that I bought a while ago to see if they would help me drift off. And I think they worked. The blend of Chamomile, Lavendar and Vanilla Bean certainly aided my sleep last night. If you're struggling to get to the Land of Nod, try Twining's Sleep Tea. Highly recommended from me.

Anyways, It's time to settle down with a mug of Twining's Strawberry & Raspberry tea and an Alpen Light bar (3 Syns). Let's hope I can walk tomorrow and go for another workout.

Ciao!

Mid-Week Mumbles

This weeks weigh in was a little bit disappointing. I only managed to lose 0.5lbs. However, I'm not going to let it get to me for a few reasons:
- my new medications are all known for adding on a few (or many) extra pounds and making it damn near impossible to lose them again
- my hormones are all over the place, leading to even more weight gain
- I stopped smoking for good. Yes, I was a smoker. A closet one mainly! But I've stopped and that's making me gain weight too.

Giving consideration to the above, I think it's a bit orf a miracle that I'm still able to LOSE 0.5lbs! Now that I know the weight is going to come off very slowly, I can be mentally prepared to accept small losses. It means that my journey is still going in the right direction, albeit at a snail's pace. But I also know that any weight I lose while on all these tablets will be gone forever. The plan works. I must have faith.

I've also decided to start working towards my Body Magic Awards. It's a great concept to get you moving and make exercise an enjoyable habit. You start out small and regular, maintain that momentum for 4 weeks and you've gained your Bronze Award. Then you keep building it up and achieve the next level and so on. So, I'm currently online investigating the easiest workouts I can do quickly to start out small. My joints have reverted to the state they were in before I started working out pre-pregnancy, so I need to be gentle and gain flexibility first. Today, I have my ankle weights on to give myself a bit of resistance while doing mundane tasks. This makes sure that every step counts!

Once I've done a basic work out and become more supple, I'll start the Shadow Boxer workouts again. They're brutal but short and very effective. You do feel a bit of a wally for a start but it soon gets to the point where you see results and don't care. It's a good thing I have curtains, let's leave it at that.

Fingers crossed for a good remainder of the week. I was off plan on Saturday night with the copious amounts of Southern Comfort and Lemonade I sank. I had an incredible night, but proved to myself that I could get back on plan straight away. I consumed no extra food or anything that wasn't on plan. It was honestly just the drinks. I lost count how many I had but they were welcomed and enjoyed. Now it's time to get myself knuckled down again and still get another (tiny) loss at the scales.

Aims for this week:
- Stick to plan
- Increase fluid intake
- Start exercising - it may help my energy levels since I'm shattered today. Totally nothing to do with being in the casino til 6.30 on Sunday morning...
- Maintain housework
- Meal prep to make sure I'm extra good this week.

I can but try.

Good luck in your journey, people. You can do it. Whatever "it" is.

xoxo

You're doing good, Mamma

Tonight, I'd like to take a bit of time and write about something I feel strongly about. Many of my friends will know about my struggles but if you don't, I've had depression for around 15 years. It's come and gone over the years and appeared in varying ways but it's been a constant companion most of my life.

A lot of people have suffered from depression. Some don't even know they have it or are showing some symptoms. It doesn't always mean you're having suicidal thoughts. Sometimes you're just down and nothing cheers you up. Some people are quieter than usual - others, louder. Some are excitable, some anxious. Some can't sleep, others struggle to wake and could sleep for weeks at a time.

How do you know you have depression? Speak to someone. Best friend or complete stranger. See your gp. Write down how you're feeling in a diary. You can write one word, of you can write an essay. Do it daily, then after some time (a month or two maybr) go back and read over your notes. Have you felt down or sad or bless more than you've felt good? More down than up? If you have, it's OK. It's not the end of the world. It's OK to not feel how you want. It's OK to feel like you want to run away. Talk to a friend or get online. There are lots of options for support.

I had PND. I didn't realise how bad it was until it was dragging me right down. I wasn't good enough, I couldn't cope, I was useless. I couldn't sleep or function. I felt helpless. My closest friend was the one who urged me to get help and I am so bloody glad I did. I'm a new person on my medication and I can now enjoy my daughter like I should have done from the start. I can cope with my housework. I don't feel the need to cry because she drops her bottle or I don't get the house hoovered for days on end. Shit happens and I can now deal with it without a mental breakdown.

I'm not saying that everyone who has depression needs tablets. I'm just saying it's OK to use them if you want. If you don't want to, there is counselling, herbal remedy, support groups, all sorts. Just as long as you do something. I promise, in the long run, you will feel better.

These days, there is far too much pressure on mums to be superheroes. Well you know what? We are fucking human and only have one pair of hands. We need to sleep. We need to eat. We need a break now and then. And that's OK. If you need to lock yourself in the toilet and scream for 5 minutes, do it. Put your child in and safe place (mine goes in her travel cot since she can't escape), put on the TV and go. THEY WILL BE FINE. So many people are terrified of doing things for themselves because they read shit in books and online, you can't do this, you can't do that. You know something? Do what you want. Look after your own child and do what suits you guys. You don't need to be able to multitask. You don't need to make your house look like a show home. Believe me, no one cares. But it's nice to be able to look around and feel like you've accomplished something, right enough, but it's not necessary. Today I didn't get time to eat or do anything else but yet I achieved a grand total of sweet FA. Now? I don't care. Before? I would have had a meltdown and punished myself for not being a better mum, wife and person in general.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're OK mamma. You got this. Tomorrow is a new day. Don't be scared to ask for help - others will ask you! You're good enough. You're the best mamma your baby will ever have. You are loved. You are amazing. And I know it may not feel like it now, but in time you will realise it's all gonna be OK.

Baby Steps

This week has been a real eye-opener for me. I realised that I really don't drink much milk, or have much calcium in my diet. I eat fibre in the form of bread now and that's easy. If I don't fancy toast, I use my Alpen Light bars (others are available...!) and that keeps me going. But the dairy is a bit of an issue, considering it's critical I have it and the calcium aids weight loss, strengthen bones and that's a good thing for me since mine are weaker anyway. Or at least, my joints are. So, a few things to change over the coming week but this will aid my losses in times to come.

This week, I stepped on the scales in group and felt that pang of anxiety that used to hit me when I knew I hadn't followed plan. But since I knew I had been good, I shouldn't have worried.

Week 1: -2.5lbs

YAY. But things have to be changed in order to increast that and keep the momentum going. I plan to cut down my portion sizes of pasta and rice. I know they're Free foods, but I really could reduce the amount I eat, and maybe increase the veg content of my dishes even more. This complete list of changes I intend to make are:

- Reduce carb portions
- Increase veg portions
- DRINK MORE FLUID. So far, I've only had 1 coffee today. I better go and make a pint of diluting juice and drink it while I'm writing this. Right. I have my juice. Ended up doing a load of work in the kitchen while I was there. I feel much better though.
- Start doing some sort of exercise every day. I have the ShadowBoxer system, Slim in 6 and Kettlenetics work outs so it's high time I got off my lardy arse and did some work.
- Plan meals ahead of time so that I'm not eating my supper at 10pm. It's not ideal when I want to be going to bed then and I get a bit HANGRY.

Keep an eye out on my Instagram for regular updates, photos, and general entertainment. If you follow me, comment on a photo and I'll follow you back. I like the company!

(Side Note: Typing a blog post isn't as easy as it usually is. I have a dog throwing a dead honking pheasant at me and an 8 month old spectator who is hitting the bottle like an old alcoholic. And now she's trying to crawl on the dog. Oh great...)

This week, I will see a better result. The only person who can change it is me.