Tonight, I'd like to take a bit of time and write about something I feel strongly about. Many of my friends will know about my struggles but if you don't, I've had depression for around 15 years. It's come and gone over the years and appeared in varying ways but it's been a constant companion most of my life.
A lot of people have suffered from depression. Some don't even know they have it or are showing some symptoms. It doesn't always mean you're having suicidal thoughts. Sometimes you're just down and nothing cheers you up. Some people are quieter than usual - others, louder. Some are excitable, some anxious. Some can't sleep, others struggle to wake and could sleep for weeks at a time.
How do you know you have depression? Speak to someone. Best friend or complete stranger. See your gp. Write down how you're feeling in a diary. You can write one word, of you can write an essay. Do it daily, then after some time (a month or two maybr) go back and read over your notes. Have you felt down or sad or bless more than you've felt good? More down than up? If you have, it's OK. It's not the end of the world. It's OK to not feel how you want. It's OK to feel like you want to run away. Talk to a friend or get online. There are lots of options for support.
I had PND. I didn't realise how bad it was until it was dragging me right down. I wasn't good enough, I couldn't cope, I was useless. I couldn't sleep or function. I felt helpless. My closest friend was the one who urged me to get help and I am so bloody glad I did. I'm a new person on my medication and I can now enjoy my daughter like I should have done from the start. I can cope with my housework. I don't feel the need to cry because she drops her bottle or I don't get the house hoovered for days on end. Shit happens and I can now deal with it without a mental breakdown.
I'm not saying that everyone who has depression needs tablets. I'm just saying it's OK to use them if you want. If you don't want to, there is counselling, herbal remedy, support groups, all sorts. Just as long as you do something. I promise, in the long run, you will feel better.
These days, there is far too much pressure on mums to be superheroes. Well you know what? We are fucking human and only have one pair of hands. We need to sleep. We need to eat. We need a break now and then. And that's OK. If you need to lock yourself in the toilet and scream for 5 minutes, do it. Put your child in and safe place (mine goes in her travel cot since she can't escape), put on the TV and go. THEY WILL BE FINE. So many people are terrified of doing things for themselves because they read shit in books and online, you can't do this, you can't do that. You know something? Do what you want. Look after your own child and do what suits you guys. You don't need to be able to multitask. You don't need to make your house look like a show home. Believe me, no one cares. But it's nice to be able to look around and feel like you've accomplished something, right enough, but it's not necessary. Today I didn't get time to eat or do anything else but yet I achieved a grand total of sweet FA. Now? I don't care. Before? I would have had a meltdown and punished myself for not being a better mum, wife and person in general.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're OK mamma. You got this. Tomorrow is a new day. Don't be scared to ask for help - others will ask you! You're good enough. You're the best mamma your baby will ever have. You are loved. You are amazing. And I know it may not feel like it now, but in time you will realise it's all gonna be OK.
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